Growing Empathy
I realize my growing “nerdiness” in my enjoyment of writing these posts to crystalize the learning I've engaged in the last two years studying organizational leadership under some amazingly talented leaders.
Yesterday a brilliant friend texted and asked if any of Dr. Townsend's writings provided a "how to" resource for Christian men who want to grow in empathy. While none immediately came to mind, I thought of my post last week on growth and the foundation of my thesis. A growth mindset, structured growth paths, and external energy, specifically coaching, will produce growth in the desired competency.
Understanding empathy is vital to identifying the skills required to grow in it. Stein (2017) explains that the difference between sympathy and empathy is that sympathy is what you feel about someone else's situation. Empathy is understanding what someone else feels and thinks about a situation.
For these men to grow in empathy, they first need to desire to grow and believe they can grow. Some people incorrectly assume that empathy is something you're born with or not and see it as a fixed trait. This incorrect view of empathy as a fixed trait seems to be counter to Paul's instructions to the Romans when he tells them to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (Rom 12:15). Looking at the explanation of empathy above and Paul's commands there is an expectation on the believer to understand the emotions of those around them. In addition, modern research shows that empathy isn't a fixed trait but an adaptable skill.
Christine Ma-Kellams and Jennifer Lerner (2016) published research that shows increasing systematic thinking versus intuitive thinking improves empathetic accuracy, or the ability to more accurately interrupt the emotions of others. Their research explained that simple thinking exercises, such as writing out an instance where they had used reasoning skills successfully in a situation, improved the subject's empathetic accuracy.
Looking at empathy as understanding what another is thinking and feeling, listening skills are a primary training focus to improve. Our leadership institute has done work with improving listening skills through basic coaching classes and training on servant leadership that breaks listening down into three different levels. The first is level one listening, where your focus is on you. What the other person says only intersects with your thoughts on what you need to say or how to respond. In level two listening, the focus shifts to them or the other person speaking to you. Your internal voice is more curious, and your actions are more intentional to stay connected to them. Nonverbal cues such as eye contact and head nodding will increase to convey and keep the connection to what's communicated. Level three listening is listening beyond what's being spoken. It's a look at what's being displayed through nonverbal such as body language and facial expressions.
To grow in empathy, we can improve our listening skills. Intentionally pausing and paraphrasing what has been spoken in our own words is a great skill that enhances listening and grows empathy by showing an understanding of the other in the interaction. Increasing curiosity by asking follow-up questions like, "Do I seem to understand this correctly?" or "Can you help me see this more clearly?" will further develop listening skills and increase empathy by increasing understanding of the other's thoughts and feelings.
Listening exercises can be done in pairs or small groups to develop skills and help the group grow and bond. It's also a great way to follow Peter when he tells us to "be like-minded and sympathetic, love one another, and be compassionate and humble" (1 Peter 3:8).