Relationally Connecting

I’m relieved the election is over and hopeful for a break from the division we’ve all been seeing, hearing, and feeling. Looking at society and culture today, it seems that dividing is effortless, while connecting takes intentional effort. As I study leadership, I’ve been reflecting on how vital relational connection is—not just for effective leadership, but for the kind of fulfilling life we all crave. Even as someone who could be described as an extreme extrovert, I’ve noticed that even my most introverted friends deeply value meaningful connection. 

A few months ago, I had to attend a ministry meet-and-greet. I was exhausted from a busy week of work and family commitments and really didn’t feel like going. However, I was committed and couldn’t back out. While driving there, I made a bold, slightly unconventional decision: I would avoid all small talk. No chatter about the weather, no mentions of Kansas City football—none of it. 

When I arrived, I was quickly introduced to two young adults. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, I turned to one of them and asked, “Who has been the most influential person in your life?” She was momentarily surprised but then began describing her father as a man of wisdom, emotional stability, and profound care. This opened up a rich conversation about how others shape our lives. What could have been a shallow exchange turned into a meaningful dialogue. 

Throughout the evening, I asked others thought-provoking questions like, “If you never had to work again but stayed in the same socioeconomic category, how would you spend the rest of your life?” By the end of the event, I was one of the last people there, fully energized and inspired. I had spent time listening to a young couple share their dreams of teaching construction skills and engaging meaningfully with the elderly. Despite starting the evening tired and dreading the event, I left invigorated. 

Relationally Connecting makes Life and Leadership Better

This experience reminded me of John Maxwell’s statement: “All of life’s success comes from initiating relationships with the right people and then strengthening those relationships by using good people skills.” It’s a bold claim that I initially questioned, but I’ve come to agree with it. John Townsend echoes this sentiment, saying, “People are the fuel for us to grow, be healthy, and prosper. God created a system in which we are to need not only Him but also one another.” 

In Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg draws on decades of sociological and psychological research, including the “36 Questions” framework developed by Arthur and Elaine Aron in the 1960s. This research, still evolving today, demonstrates that combining gradual self-disclosure with perceived similarity and vulnerability significantly enhances connection. Duhigg explains that asking emotion-driven questions—rather than fact-based ones—builds a stronger sense of connection. 

For example, instead of asking, “Where did you go to college?” you might ask, “What did you love most about college?” This approach invites emotional engagement. A follow-up question that reflects your own feelings deepens the connection: 

You: “What did you love most about college?” 

Them: “I loved tailgating and going to football games with friends.” 

You: “I love football games too—the mix of excitement and celebration is so fun! What were your friends like in college?” 

This kind of dialogue fosters genuine connection, as my own experience at that meet-and-greet confirmed. Although I hadn’t yet encountered Duhigg’s teachings or the research behind the “36 Questions,” the principles played out naturally in those conversations. 

As a leader, I realize the importance of being intentional about connecting with the people I lead. Approaches like this provide a valuable framework for building those relationships. 

Leaders, how do you intentionally connect with your teams?